And this morning I am being made aware that I truly do not have the right to speak about marriage.  I tend to be a very prideful person, in a very ugly way.  Pride is what I fight most, and it is the worst sin, the hardest sin–in my opinion–to rid oneself of.  I was prideful in thinking that I had good words to speak about marriage.  But after a very short night and much thinking, I do not.

My marriage is over.    I never dreamed that it would be, but it is.  Who am I, to try to speak on marriage?   I am heartbroken.  Time moving forward helps tremendously, but the pain remains right under the surface, and sometimes it breaks through.  Like this morning.

So I apologize to my readers for thinking I could write something helpful about marriage or scripture.  There are many, many great resources out there, great books, great sermons.  And there is always Scripture, the first place one should look to.  This morning I am trying to hold onto Job 13:15:

15 Though he slay me, I will hope in him;

I just recently finished reading “The Hidden Life of Prayer” by David McIntyre.  Excellent book; I would highly recommend it to anyone who has a desire to push themselves deeper and closer to that mystery called prayer.  The book is written in beautiful language that caused my soul to soar with each phrase.  I was introduced to many great “pray-ers”, and allowed to see through their eyes their experience of earnest prayer.

Last night I turned to another book, which would probably be considered an odd choice for a single mom who will never “preach”.  The title is “Feed My Sheep: A Passionate Plea for Preaching”  (You can see the book in my sidebar Widget titled “I’m Reading…”) Some of the contributors include John Piper, Al Mohler, John MacArthur, and several more.  It’s currently on sale for Kindle at Amazon for only .99 cents, and wholly worth it.

Why am I reading this book?  First off, I highly respect each of the authors and want to hear what they have to say about the importance; even the supremacy of preaching as worship.  I think sometimes, in some churches, the sermon becomes an “add-on” after the experience of music, instead of the music worship set doing just that–“setting” our minds on Christ so that we will be ready to hear God’s word spoken.

I’m also reading it because I’ve been asked to speak at a ministry event in a couple of weeks.  This will be a ladies ministry event to “kick” the summer off.  I’m not interested in bringing to these ladies some sort of fluff, feel good devotional though.  It’s important to me that I stick to scripture, that I stick to what God calls me to say, that I stick to truth that they can take home and slowly digest.  Reading this book is helping me to prepare my heart for that speaking engagement, by teaching me the centrality of hearing God’s Word.  (I may never get asked back again, lol 🙂 )

The third reason I’m reading this book sort of incorporates the first two reasons.  We must hear God’s word, we must be fed God’s word on a regular basis, through those that God has called to preach to our churches, our congregations.  Jesus is the Word, as we are told in John 1:1 :

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God

Another passage that beckons me to read this book on preaching is the following, found in Romans 10:14:

14 How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? 

This verse narrows down to the “passionate plea for preaching” which is the subtitle of this book, “Feed My Sheep”.  It’s the Gospel.  It’s the spoken word that proclaims the gospel that we each need to hear, whether we are believers or not.

So I read this book because of my respect for its authors, to understand preaching in and of itself, for my very own preparation to teach and speak, and because preaching is proclaimed and promoted in scripture as having the roll of primacy in sharing the Gospel.  I also read it so that I will be able to better pray for my pastors as they study and prepare to share God’s word with their sheep.

4:00 AM Addition:  I also want to be able to recognize good, solid Biblical teaching and preaching.  Not preaching that is shallow or shies away from the gospel.  Not preaching that is done in order to gain something something wrong or evil.  Not preaching meant to entertain a crowd.  No, I want to recognize and sit under preaching that is truth and will feed my soul and my family’s souls.

 

Yesterday was a rough day.

A couple of hours sleep the night before led to a day of difficulty focusing and silly mistakes.  A couple of discouraging phone calls dampened the day further.  A letter in the mail broke my heart.  Refereeing sibling conflict took energy that I didn’t have, and two quite sick children had me scurrying to the store late at night for medicines that I should have had already in my medicine cabinet.  And everywhere I looked, I saw and felt grief and weariness.

So I went to bed defeated last night, but sleep wouldn’t come.

As I lay there I found myself thinking about Grace.  Amazing Grace.  I found myself pleading with God for grace.  I turned to scripture to try to find the words that my soul was trying to express to my God, and I found it amidst the Psalms: (Psalm 86)

6 Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace.

7 In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me.

Give ear O Lord to my prayer……..Hear me O Lord as I lay here and pray to you, and plea to you for grace.  Because grace is what I need.  Grace is what we all need.  Everyday of our lives.

The manifestation of His favor upon our lives.  Undeserved favor.  Undeserved love.

Where did God even create the concept of grace?  If grace is something He grants, is it also something that He is?  We know that God is love, is He grace as well?

It is only by His grace that we would ever have the faith to believe.  It is only by His grace that we can stand fast (1 Thess 3:8-10).  Even in the midst of suffering and grief, we have the amazing fortitude to stand fast due to grace.   This grace is beyond our understanding, I think it’s impossible for us to wrap our minds around such a gift.  I know that I can’t.

14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. 15 (John bore witness about him, and cried out, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.’ ”) 16 For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

What a beautiful passage.  The Word becoming flesh in the person of Jesus Christ, to dwell among us, full of GRACE and TRUTH.  And from His fullness, we have and continue to and will continue to receive grace upon grace upon grace.  This grace and truth come through my Jesus, through your Jesus.

O how I need grace upon grace.  And God grants it, even when I don’t see it.  He grants it in moments of clarity and peace.  He grants it is sweet moments of rest and sleep.  He grants it when His mercies are new every morning.

“Father God, Hear my plea for grace.  Grant me grace in parenting, when I seem to be failing miserably.  Give me the grace I need in order to believe the truth of who you are and to have the faith to trust solely in You.  God, teach us to recognize your grace and to not fail in thanking you for it.  Give us the strength to grasp a hold of that grace as an anchor in the stormy, tossing waves, knowing it is your Grace that provides respite in the storm.  Grant me grace O Abba.  Grant us grace, dear Father.”

 

 

Up most of the night last night, tonight I find myself tired yet dreading sleep.  So here I lay in bed, getting ready to read until I finally do fall asleep.

I am down tonight.  There should be no reason for being down.  I worked hard cleaning houses this morning.  Then I did cleaning of our house and errands, and then took the smalls and one big to see Avengers (which was an excellent movie).  There is no reason for being down, and yet here I find myself goofed up as the day closes.  My soul hurts tonight.  It aches for my kids.  It struggles with doubt.  And it is weary from working to keep our heads above water.

God seems so silent tonight, as I yearn to sense Him.  Sometimes it is like that.  I wonder if those times are meant to teach us.  But what, exactly, I don’t know.

I turn to the Psalms, because I know that the Psalm writers have words for this.

Psalm 22

1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? 

2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. 

3 Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. 

4 In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. 

5 To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.